The One Who Never Changes

Change has always been hard for me.  Whether it’s a new job, new living arrangements, or new season in life, getting acclimated to the “new normal” takes me a while. I remember after I finished grad school in 2013, I was out of sorts for a while.  I had been going to college every semester, spring, summer and fall, for 10 years straight, and then that season in my life to suddenly came to an end. I didn’t know what to do with myself, but before I knew it, I adapted, just like I usually do, and found something more valuable to meaningful to invest in: Bible College and church.  Some changes are sudden and some are gradual.  Some changes are easier to deal with; others are much harder to adapt to, like the aging of a parent, the loss of youth, health, and vitality, and the loss of important relationships.  Maybe you never completely adjust to these changes; you just learn how to deal with it, the best way you know how.  But it’s an inescapable fact: change is and always will be a part of life.  I can’t control what happens to me or around me, but I can control how I let it affect me, and I take comfort in God, knowing that He never changes; He is the same yesterday, today and always (Hebrews 13:8), and He promises to be there for me always, through any trial, storm, or change.

There are physical changes that face us all. As I get older, I find myself faced with the subtle changes that come with age: diminished vision, longer recuperating time from illness and physical exertion, and of course the vanity side of aging: more grey hair and wrinkles.  Then there are my health changes that seem to be getting worse with age, namely IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  I have lived with this for almost 15 years, and it seems to impact the quality of my life almost daily now.  There are days that I look 5 months pregnant because of the severe bloating (thank goodness for loose and flowy tops and yoga pants), and the pain and discomfort becomes almost unbearable. In the beginning it was more manageable, but now I suffer from various levels of pain and discomfort about 85- 90% of the time now.  God bless my patient and long suffering husband, who has had to endure my numerous complaints, feeling helpless as to how to help me, but doing any and all he can to help alleviate my symptoms.  This condition limits many of my activities often, but my husband is so gracious and compassionate in enduring this, because my limits also impacts him.  The most powerful thing he does is pray for me, and this has helped me to endure the toughest of days.  Needless to say, this wasn’t a welcome change, it is my thorn that I have learned to live with, by the grace of God. I take great comfort in God’s words to Paul “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Change can also come in the form of lost relationships.  Sometimes friends will just drop out of your life for no apparent reason, or maybe there is a reason, but they just didn’t share it with you. Even though it may hurt for a while, you tend heal, and accept that they are no longer in your life.  Then there is the loss of a close family relationship that can be very painful, and you just never quite get over it.  Several years ago, when I was disfellowshipped from the Jehovah’s Witness organization, my brother, whom I was very close to, stopped speaking to me. It has been more than 15 years now, but I still miss the relationship we used to have. Perhaps though, more painful than losing the relationship of a sibling, is the loss of a relationship with your child.  It is painful for sure, and I don’t know if it will ever be restored, but I rest assured in the never changing nature of God, and I rely in Him, to understand my pain, and to comfort me during those immense moments of sadness. I take comfort in knowing nothing is too big or too hard for Him to fix, in His will, and in His timing.

Whatever change I am faced with, I hold on tight to my relationship with Jesus.  I have an unexplainable feeling of peace and security, knowing that He will never change. "I the Lord do not change." - Malachi 3:6. His word never changes, His attributes never change, His promises never change, and more importantly, His love for me never changes.  As I read through all of scripture, I see that His nature is the same throughout, from Old Testament to New Testament.  God is consistent and unchanging ALL THE TIME! When there is a change regarding my health, I trust that God, if it is His will, will heal me, in His timing, or He will give me the strength and the means to endure. If it is change regarding the loss of relationships, I trust that He will comfort me in my sadness, restore the relationship in His due time, or replace the lost relationships with new brothers and sisters in Christ.  God is faithful and unchanging and wants the best for his children. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” - James 1:17.  In this world of constant change and chaos, it it awesome to know that there is an unchanging, steady anchor, Jesus Christ, that I can cling to, and He lets me know that through every change, He is right there with me, and that I will be ok. 

Worthless Things

A few weeks ago my husband and I were reading aloud from the bible from Psalms, when a particular verse made me stop and pause for a moment. It was Psalms 119:37: “Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things and revive me in your way.” That verse has stuck in my head and I have continued to ponder on what the Lord wants me to learn from this. Worthless things. What worthless things does the Lord want me to turn away from? The first thing that came to mind was Facebook. Like many, I found myself on the addiction side, always checking it to see what the latest and greatest was. What I have found is that it can be a huge time waster. When I first signed up, it was a good way to connect and stay in touch with people, see photos, and be uplifted with an encouraging word now and then. But now, to my dismay, I have noticed it has become an avenue for people to promote hate, spread lies, negativity, and bad news. Instead of photos of the latest family outing, my news feeds are filled with videos of one person beating up or cursing out another, hate filled diatribes against our current president, current political figure, or the police. I started to think: is this some of the worthless things God wants me to stay away from? It certainly feels like it, especially since Facebook now seems to feel much like spam does in my email inbox.

One day it really hit me how much social media and modern technology has really taken over our lives. I was watching the recent miniseries about the O.J. trial (because during that moment in history, I was captivated like much of the world, wanting to know all the details). Watching it brought back a lot of memories; I was thinking back to that time (1994) and what I was doing with my life. I was raising 3 small kids. I was sewing, along with other crafts, making clothes for me and my girls. I was enjoying quality time with people, in person and on the phone. I took my kids to lots of fun places: zoos, museums, plays, and parks. I was totally engaged with life and people, and immersed in the moment. And that’s when the light bulb went off. There was no social media back then. People weren’t glued to their phones, forwarding the latest on the O.J. case, or holding their cell phones out recording every minute. I thought to myself, “wow, how far have we come (or degenerated) that we can’t leave the house without our cell phone?” We have become glued to it, and are always looking down, more engrossed by what is on that device than looking up and enjoying what is outside all around us. I started thinking about all the worthwhile things I could accomplish with my time, if I just stayed off of computers and social media. I could spend more time reading God’s Word and reading more uplifting and spiritual things. I could spend more time in prayer. I could start sewing and crocheting again. I could clean and organize the house better. I could improve my lackluster cooking skills. I could dust off the guitar and take up lessons again. And maybe I could finally take the harmonica out of the drawer and start learning how to play it. I would actually be able to enjoy just being in the moment, observing all the Lord’s goodness and handiwork, partaking in activities that would bring Him honor and appreciation, instead of missing it because I am glued to my device. Instead of looking down, I could be looking up. Hence, I have started to take a step back from social media, and limiting my time on it, and trying to make a more concentrated effort to be more engaged and in the moment, and hence, keeping my eyes worthwhile things.

Bitterness and unforgiveness is also a worthless thing that the Lord has shown me I have been wasting my time on. For years I have had some resentment towards my father for things he did or didn’t do while I was growing up. Harboring resentment did me absolutely no good; I had headaches, I would become upset when thinking about it, my stomach would be in knots, and I could tell my blood pressure would go up. Was this worthwhile, spending my energy holding a grudge? It took some time, but I am finally at peace. The road started a few years ago when I had to interview my father for one of my school papers. When I realized what his childhood was like, and that he didn’t have a positive male role model in his life, I realized my father did the best he could, with what he knew. He still provided for his kids. He still loved us in the way he knew how to. And now, I am very thankful that the Lord has granted him a long life so that I can finally appreciate and love my father in my adult years; it doesn’t matter how late, because it’s better than never. There are times that I still struggle with bitterness, because of certain people who cause problems in my life from time to time. I can feel the difference in my joy and walk with the Lord when I start brooding about the latest episode, and I have to force myself to cry out to the Lord “Oh create in me a pure heart, oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10. Bitterness and resentment can be very difficult things to overcome, and it is only by His strength that I can be successful. Jesus knew how difficult this would be, and I find comfort during times of persecution from my enemies in His words: “I have told you these things, so that in Me you would have peace. In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world! - John 16:33. I know that the Lord sees all things, and will work out any adversity against me; I just need to trust in Him, and not let any bitterness rise up in me.

The Lord has shown me another worthless thing that I have been spending my time on: regret. I have struggled for a long time with regret over past mistakes and choices. I spent a lot of time in my younger years pursing things that I see now were worthless, and I have a lot remorse for that. And because my relationship with my children has been strained lately, regret has been consuming me quite a bit. Wishing I could have done things differently with them while they were growing up, and even now in their adult years. I know these thoughts are from the enemy, and discouragement, shame, and regret are some of the most powerful tools that he uses to keep us down and from moving ahead in the plan God has for us. God is constantly reminding me that I have to “forget what is behind me, and strain towards what is ahead.” - Philippians 13:3. It is futile to look back; what is done is done, there is no changing that. But I serve a mighty God, and I know that He can restore the years that the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25). He can turn my past failures into triumphs, and He can turn my mourning into joy. God is forever doing a work in me, all for His glory, and that is a very worthwhile thing to be a part of.

So as I begin my journey of turning my eyes away from worthless things, I expect God to show me some spectacular things. I expect my walk with Him to grow even more, as I will have more time to spend in His Word. I will have more time to spend on extracurricular activities that will let me tap into the creative and unique being that He has made me, and maybe I will find some undiscovered and hidden talent. I will have time to really stop and focus on the beauty of all that is around me, which He has created for our enjoyment and His glory, and I will truly be revived in His way.

I Work For a King

Sunday evenings are a little hard for me.  After a nice, relaxing weekend with my husband and family, reality sets in and I mentally and reluctantly prepare myself for the work week ahead.  I find myself wishing that I could stay at church all week instead of going to work, because of the safety and comfort I get from my church family, the sermons and bible studies.  Lately, a lot of people have retired from my place of work, and I catch myself envying them, wishing that I no longer had to work.  Once Monday comes and I get myself back into the swing of things and the daily grind, I get over this Sunday evening blues, and am back in full force, attending to my job with dedication and perseverance.  However, come Sunday, the cycle begins again.  I know I am in need of an attitude adjustment; my husband reminds me of this every Sunday when I start complaining.  Why do I dig in my heels on Sunday evenings and fight against it? I know we all have to work; that is what the Lord wants us to do;  and the bible says we can find great reward and satisfaction in work (Ecclesiastes 2:24). I am very grateful for my job; it is a good place to be, it is very rewarding at times, I work with good people, and it provides for all my needs. I know this regular, weekly grumbling session I do is something that the Lord wants me to work on, and it is a little bit of a struggle for me.

Like all workplaces, there is good and bad.  Right now we are very busy, and I find myself exhausted at the end of the day.  I work with the public, so that can present some challenges at times. There can be personality clashes or misunderstandings, so that doesn’t help things.  As in every office setting, there are things that are ideal, and some things that are less than ideal.  Instead of wishing that I could change them or that someone would do something about these situations, I find myself reaching out to the Lord for strength and endurance.  The scripture that gets me through the tough days is “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” –Colossians 3:23-24. I have this scripture taped to my computer to remind me of this when I find myself feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. When I stop and read this, the peace of Lord comes upon me to give me strength. 

I always like to find examples in the bible of whatever particular situation I am going through.  When I am enduring stressful work situations, I like to look at the example of Daniel.  Some people might think that they have a terrible boss, but I don’t think anyone could have had a terrible of a boss as King Nebuchadnezzar.  He was a powerful, brutal, and prideful king. One day he had an unsettling dream, and called upon all the wise men and astrologers to interpret it for him. When they couldn’t, he had them all killed. But Daniel was able to interpret his dream, through God of course, and when he did, Nebuchadnezzar promoted Daniel and “gave him many great gifts, and made him ruler over the whole province of Babylon and chief administrator of all the wise men in Babylon” (Daniel 2:48).  What a promotion! But even with all the respect and advancement Daniel received from Nebuchadnezzar, he still couldn’t have been an easy boss to work for.  He was so prideful that he had a huge image of gold (about 90 feet high by 9 feet wide) erected and commanded that everyone bow down to this image when certain music was played.  If they didn’t bow down, they were to be thrown into a burning fiery furnace! When I really stop and think about the type of person Daniel’s boss was, it makes it easier for me to appreciate the fact that my work situation or boss is nowhere near what Daniel had to endure, And I am encouraged by seeing what type of person Daniel must have been.  When Nebuchadnezzar became insane and lived like an animal in the wilderness for seven years, it is believed that Daniel may have helped care for him at times. Years later, when Daniel worked for King Darius, he again made such an impression with his excellent work ethic, that Darius wanted to promote him, setting him above all the other kingdoms (Daniel 6:3).  As we sometimes see in our own work environments, jealousy set in, and his co-workers conspired against him and made trouble for him by deviously getting the King to sign a decree that praying in the open was punishable by death, death by lions to be exact.  Of course Daniel continued to pray, as we obey God rather than man. When the king found out, his reaction is a testament to the love and admiration he had towards Daniel: he was devastated. He fought with all his might to have the law reversed, and when nothing could be done, he had to follow through with his own law. When I read this story, I was so touched by how Darius felt towards Daniel.  He obviously felt sorrow and remorse, as evidenced by his not being able to sleep or eat. Very early the next morning, Darius rushed over to the lion’s den and cried out to Daniel, asking if his God was able to save him. He was so filled with gladness that Daniel was still alive and immediately had him brought up, and had the guys who conspired against Daniel throw in the lion’s den.

What an excellent example Daniel was.  He was a dedicated, loyal, and reliable employee. His bosses, great kings, greatly cared for him and respected him. And Daniel also cared for his bosses, not wishing any harm to come to them; he was also tactful, yet honest with them. When he had to relay the bad news behind the meaning of Nebuchadnezzar’s dream, he said “My lord, if only the dream applied to those who hate you and its interpretation to your adversaries!  (Daniel 4:19). Even though his superiors may have done some pretty terrible things, Daniel still was the model employee. He served the Lord first and foremost, and would not compromise his beliefs, even if that meant death. But he still treated his superiors with respect and honor, going above and beyond putting in a day’s work. He worked as he was working for the Lord, and by this, he was able to endure working in some pretty unfavorable circumstances, yet excelling in his duties as he did so. That is the kind of employee I want to be.  By Daniel’s faith, he was an excellent witness for the Lord to his superiors and his co-workers.  Because of his exceptional work ethic, he was considered trustworthy and was respected, and as a result, was elevated and given many responsibilities.   The story of Daniel reminds me that no matter how difficult my work situation may be, the Lord will give me strength to endure, and when I work as I am working for the Lord, I will be blessed in many ways, primarily, by knowing I am working for my King, King Jesus.  

Putting Away My Rearview Mirror

Something that I have continued to struggle with is regret. Regret over past sins and mistakes. Regret over making unwise choices. Regret of not taking advantage of certain opportunities.  Regret of things that I could have done better as a mother when raising my kids as a single parent, and even now.  I find that these periods of regret are intensified when I visit the place I grew up or raised my kids.  Sometimes these feelings are triggered by a song from past seasons, or an old, familiar scent. I take a mental trip down memory lane and become melancholy, and start to wish that I could go back in time, to either relive “the good times” when my kids (and I) were young, or to go back and correct past mistakes. Self-condemnation comes knocking on my door, and becomes relentless. But is that the way God wants me to live my life?  To be held captive by regret, guilt, and condemnation? Doesn’t the Word tell us that He came to set the captives free? Free from whatever burden that may enslave us?

When I find myself in that dark place, the Lord has been so merciful and loving by bringing to my mind that whatever I have done, Jesus took care of it on the cross.  My past sins, He has forgiven me.  My unwise choices, He will restore the years that the locusts consumed. He also reminds me that some unwise or painful decisions eventually turned out to be a blessing later down the road.  For example, years ago, I had purchased a home, with the hopes of improving the quality of life for me and my kids.  I was still a baby Christian, so I didn’t seek the Lord in my decision to move an hour away from my mom and the city I called home for 30 years. I got caught up with the mentality that owning a home equates to being successful.  I loved having a big, spacious home, but the cost, upkeep and stress finally got the best of me, and I decided to sell it three years later.  Sometimes, when I am feeling discontented with our small living quarters now, I find myself looking back and wishing I still had that big home, but then I look at where I am at now, and I realize that I am in a much better place now.  If I hadn’t sold my home and moved to the city I am in now, I wouldn’t have found the church family that I have now. And, I wouldn’t have met my husband.  So things turned out much better in the end.

It is a little harder for me to overcome the regret of past sins. I think part of the reason is because of the religion that I was brought up in, living under the constant burden of guilt and shame.  I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness, and their stance on sin can be pretty harsh, with their discipline being very severe.  I was disfellowshipped, or shunned and ostracized, from this religion, which I had been raised in and a part of for 30 years, for being what they determined, an “unrepentant sinner”. Never mind that I had been heartbroken and depressed over my sin, and in tears when meeting with the panel of elders. They decided my fate, which ultimately soured my kids on religion and God, and sent me almost over the edge mentally and emotionally. But again, God was so wonderful, because he used this painful experience to get me to start seeking Him, the real Him, and I found Jesus, and became born again, and the chains of bondage to this religion was broken. Though my mind knows that I have complete forgiveness when I confessed my sins and accepted Jesus, I still battle in the heart with regret and shame, and it is a constant struggle that I am slowly overcoming, with His help.

As always, I find great comfort in finding examples in the bible of people who struggled with the same issues that I do.  Peter also struggled with regret. After telling Jesus he would lay down his life for him, it was only a few hours later that he denied Jesus three times.  Can you imagine how Peter felt after Jesus turned and looked at him after that last time of denying Him? It must have pierced Peter’s heart sharply, because it says “he turned and wept bitterly” (Luke 22:61-62).  But Jesus was so loving and merciful.  He forgave Peter and restored him when He reappeared after His resurrection. After asking Peter three times if he loved him and Peter responded in the affirmative, Jesus gave him three commands:  “feed My lambs, tend My sheep,  and feed My sheep” (John 21:15-17).  I’m sure at times Peter must have felt regret and shame over his actions for the rest of his life, but he didn’t let it hinder him or hold him back from what Jesus called him to do, which was to shepherd, or pastor, His flock. He accepted Jesus’ grace and forgiveness, and he became a bold witness for Christ, ultimately dying for his faith, being crucified upside down.  Paul is another example.  I am sure he must have felt enormous regret over all the Christians he persecuted and killed prior to his conversion. He referred to himself as the “least of all apostles” and said “I am unworthy to be called an apostle because I persecuted the house of God” (1 Corinthians 15:9).  He referred to himself as “chief of sinners” (1 Timothy 1:15), but he didn’t let his past hinder his future. He focused on what was ahead and on what was important: furthering the gospel, preaching it far and wide, and encouraging his brothers and sisters in faith with his eloquent and heartfelt letters to the churches. He said “but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ  Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14). 

I am learning that in order for me to overcome my feelings of regret, I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and what he has done for me. He doesn’t judge my worth by my past mistakes or sins.  He has cast my sins as far as the east is from the west (Psalms 103:12). My life is not over because I have past failures. He is not done with me; He is the Author and Finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2). As I was reflecting on it this week, the Lord reminded me that there is nothing good to be accomplished by looking back, and then he reminded me of Lot’s wife, and we know what happened to her when she looked back.  True, she was probably looking back because she was longing for the material things she enjoyed and did not want to leave that comfortable life behind, but isn’t that kind of what I’ve been doing? Longing for my younger years, so that my older self can make my younger self avoid the pain of costly mistakes, and make my younger years more easy and comfortable?  If they had been, I may not have been driven to seek the Lord, and submit myself to Him, because life might have been too good and comfortable and I would have been complacent living status quo.  I know that God uses painful situations and despair to get us to turn to Him, so that is another reason that I cannot live my life in regret, because God used my past failures to help me to be a better and wiser person now, so that I can perhaps share my stories and wisdom with someone else.  Romans 8:1 says “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus”, and this comforts me when I am feeling regretful over something. I think Paul was talking to me in Titus 3:3-7, when he said “we were also once foolish, disobedient and deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures”, but he reminds me that God, by his mercy, saved me, by the “washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit”.  Oh, how great a comfort these words of encouragement are!

Gratitude is Attitude

Yesterday, as I reflected on the many things that I was thankful for, I realized that my attitude has played a big part in my gratitude over the years.  For a long time, I think I was sucked into the mentality that I should have a big house, fancy car, the career that I’ve always dreamed of, etc. (especially by my age) to be successful. As I compared myself to others who had those things, I felt like I was missing out on something and that I was inadequate, and as a result, I couldn’t see and appreciate the beauty in the things that were sitting there right in front of me. So I don’t think I had a lot of gratitude during those years.  Now that I am getting older, and I look around me, I find myself appreciating a lot more the little things that I have and becoming more grateful, especially more so as my walk with Lord continues.

“This is the day the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.” - Psalms 118:24. The closer I get to 50, the more I realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I see death around me more and more.  Just this year alone, I have seen 5 people who I used to work with pass away.  Also, this year we were hit with a cancer scare, when two large masses were found in my husband’s lymph nodes. Praise the Lord that they turned out benign, but during that waiting period, just the thought that they could be cancerous was enough to bring me to my knees and give thanks to the Lord for each day that he has given and continues to give my husband.  Every day that I wake up, every day that my husband wakes up, I am extremely grateful for.  I try not to take my health for granted either.  To show this, for years now as a personal Thanksgiving tradition, I get up and go to the gym and work out. I thank the Lord for the body that He has given me, the body that still works and enjoys things, because I know there will be a day that I won’t be able to do this anymore. When I was at the gym yesterday, the Lord put someone in my path who showed me even more so how good I have it.  This elderly gentleman is a regular I see often, but I learned yesterday that he lost his wife and daughter years ago and spends Thanksgiving alone. I saw in this man resilience in moving on despite his heartbreak, and purpose in taking steps to stay active and connected to others by exercising regularly.  I was blessed to learn more about this man, and it made me more aware of the fact that the holidays are very hard for a lot of people. We should make an extra effort to pray for those who are alone during this season that may be anything but joyous for them, and if possible, spend some time with them, even if it’s brief.  You never know what that extra word of encouragement or love will do for that person.

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” - 1 Thessalonians 5:18. One of the things that I struggled with the first year of my marriage was our living situation.  We live in a small, one bedroom apartment, so at times, it can feel small, tight and cramped. After my kids grew up and left home, I lived alone in my quaint little apartment for 7 years, and I felt like a queen in my spacious home, doing whatever, whenever I pleased. When I first got married, I had to downsize quite a bit, parting with a lot of things that could not be accommodated in my husband’s small apartment. It was hard saying goodbye. Not only was I parting with personal things that meant something to me at one time, but I was also saying goodbye to what I considered spacious and quiet living quarters, and more importantly, my independence and freedom to do what and how I pleased. But no matter how difficult that process was, I was also ecstatic, because the Lord had now given me my life partner and best friend, and I was no longer alone. So while I was thankful for the time I had spent alone, doing things I probably could have never done while married, like travel and visit Israel and Rome with my daughter, and get a great education, I am now thankful for this different chapter in my life, that of a wife to a very godly and devoted husband. This is one that I find myself extremely grateful for every day. Marriage has its challenges for sure, but with Jesus in the middle, it becomes a masterpiece. Every bump in the road is smoothed out when we turn to God’s Word. Every fear is squashed when we go to Him in prayer. My husband is my biggest cheerleader whenever I am faced with some difficulty.  He quotes scriptures to me all the time. He prays for me and gives me encouragement. He is like a walking bible dictionary. Whenever I read the Word or am studying for my women’s studies and I have a question about something, he knows the answer off the top of his head. And whenever I have been, let’s just say, a difficult wife, whether by mood, stress, meltdowns, etc., I know he prays for strength and wisdom on how to deal with me. Praise the Lord for that, because I know how difficult I can be! Being married to someone who loves the Lord first and above all is something that I am tremendously and utterly grateful for. For all you single ladies who are looking for a mate, I implore you to please don’t settle for less. Wait for that man who loves the Lord with all his heart and puts God before you or anyone else.  Wait for that man that the Lord has in store for you. It is worth the wait, I promise.

One of the most important things I have learned from my husband is to learn to be content in all things. I think the scriptures he most often quotes to me is “for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content” (Philippians 4:11). I tend to stress a little bit (ok, a LOT a bit) over finances.  Due to health reasons, my husband wasn’t able to work for a while, and I stressed out a lot over bills and finances.  His words to me all the time were (and are) “we will be all right, we trust in the Lord!" And yes, he is right, we are fine, and we continue to be fine. We may not be able to do or buy what we want to all the time, but all our needs are met.  Another thing that I have learned to embrace is our small apartment. Well-meaning people have asked “when are you going to get a bigger place?” and at first that used to bother me quite a bit.  There is no chance of that happening anytime soon, especially the way rents continue to soar in our area, but I have learned to be content in our small living quarters, seeing it as my small, safe haven, where I find rest and contentment with my husband, reading God’s Word and trusting completely and entirely on Him. Is there any greater freedom than that? 

“And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.  And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” - Colossians 3:15-17. Something else I find myself extremely grateful for is my spiritual brothers and sisters in Christ.  The encouragement that I get from them is priceless.  There have been so many times that I have had to drag myself to church or bible study because I didn’t feel like going or was depressed, and I left in a much blessed and better state than when I came in. Sometimes it was a word spoken to me, or a prayer offered up on behalf of me or my family. Other times it was a hug or a smile, or just hearing someone else’s life circumstances and how they still have the joy of the Lord and an unwavering trust in Him. When I look at the freedom we have to meet and encourage and build up one another, I am filled with gratitude.  There are a lot of people who don’t have this freedom, and I never want to take it for granted.  I cherish my time spent with my fellow believers, and each time I leave, I am a better person.  That’s why the Lord instructs us to “ not forsake the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching” (Hebrews 10:25). In this day and age, where there is a lot of hurting, lonely and lost people, being able to meet with those who encourage us and lift us up is something to be very grateful for indeed. As I grow older, I see the bigger picture and what’s most important in life: God, family and friends, and health. I appreciate what I have, and I am learning to be very content in my circumstances.

Black Sheep are His Sheep

I’ve been feeling “off” lately (my word for depressed or, as my husband likes to say, lacking the joy). I was searching Facebook today for something that would sum up my feelings, and I came cross this quote from the SimpleReminders.com page:  “I like weird people…The black sheep, the odd ducks, the rejects, the eccentrics, the loners, the lost and forgotten.  More often than not, these people have the most beautiful souls.” Bingo! I saw myself in that list 100%. People often misunderstand me; they mistake my introverted personality for being mad or aloof. Many times, I cannot go to a social gathering without feeling awkward, weird, and out of place.  All my life I have been a loner, the odd man out. In high school, I would gravitate towards the misfits, the outcasts, the ones the popular kids made fun of and avoided.  And now, when I find myself having to attend some social function, I gravitate towards children, elderly people, or pets, people I feel safe with, people I feel most comfortable with. They don’t judge me, form bad first impressions of me or make me feel like I’m weird. They just accept me as I am. 

Because I have always felt like the black sheep, in my family and society, I was always looking for an explanation for why I was the way I was.  I also suffered from depression for many years (and still do occasionally) and I wanted answers to that too. So when I decided to go to college in my 30’s, I choose psychology for my B.A., and then got my master’s degree in counseling (MFT). While I didn’t get a career in that field (that’s another story), I did gain a wealth of knowledge from all those years of studying personalities, mental illnesses, cause and effect, nature vs. nurture, (you get the idea). I did a lot of painful introspection during those years (and still do, because once a therapist, always a therapist). And I realized that it was my childhood experiences that shaped my personality, along with some heredity thrown in.  My parents divorced when I was young, so that had a big impact. Children need both parents in the home, and for girls especially, if they don’t have a positive male role model in their lives, many will start looking for love and attention in all the wrong places, which is what happened to me. In middle school, I was betrayed by my supposed best friends, when they told the whole school my father was Black. From then on, I was bullied and called horrible and ugly racist names. I think that is when my social anxiety began. That is when I started to hate being around groups of people, because I felt like a freak, never knowing when the next slur would be hurled at me.  I became rebellious, started getting involved in things that I shouldn’t have; I ran away from home when I was 13, staying in a car in Nevada and Arizona for a week.  Now that I am a mother, I can’t believe what I put my mother through, and how scared she must have been, not knowing where I was or if I was still alive.  Middle school turned to high school, and the feelings of weirdness and depression intensified, to the point of me wanting to commit suicide.  I remember walking home from school many times, feeling hopeless and worthless, and wanting to run into oncoming traffic to end it all. No one understood me at this time, with the exception of my wonderful grandmother, who tried to intervene when my mother threw her hands up.  The pain of loneliness and rejection is what led to me getting pregnant with my son when I was 16.   I thought that I would finally have someone who would love me for me.  I think my son saved my life in way, because as depressed and messed up mentally and emotionally I was at that time, I don’t think I would have lasted much longer.

Having my son did help me, but I still wasn’t right emotionally or mentally. I had 2 more children by the time I was 23, but I still had emotional baggage. I still felt like I was “different”. I made a lot of bad decisions, still struggled with depression, and when I was in my 30’s suffered my first panic attack. I remember it clearly.  I was at work, and the most intensifying feeling fear overcame me and I had to call a friend to come get me. The depression continued, and I tried antidepressants and alcohol to make it go away.  It wasn’t until I found the Lord, that things started to get better for me.  I didn’t get healing overnight. In fact, I suffered an intense panic attack about 3 months after I got married, which kind of  threw my husband for a loop, and it was right before he was to leave for a men’s retreat no less (the first introduction to “for better or for worse”). I still get periods where I am feeling down, or feel that panic may set in, but the difference now is that I know the Lord. No, let me rephrase that because I did know the Lord when I had some of my most low or fearful episodes; it was when I learned to TRUST the Lord, and go to Him first when I start feeling this way, and not to some self-help book or worldly wisdom. I have been blessed to have some sisters in my life that knew exactly what I was going through, and they helped teach me what I needed to know to get through these episodes.  They directed me to the Word of God, and from there I found the wisdom and comfort that I needed.  And I started to trust and feel God’s presence when I would cry out Him, and I felt His comforting touch. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 91:4: “He will cover you with His feathers. He will shelter you with His wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”  When I am feeling down or scared, I read this scripture and I picture God holding me and protecting me, shielding me until the wave of panic and sadness leaves.  As I continue in my walk with the Lord, I find comfort in finding other examples in the bible of people who suffered depression, rejection and anxiety.  Elijah is a big one. He was a bold and courageous prophet; he challenged evil king Ahab, had a showdown with the false prophets of Baal, and was used by God to provide food miraculously to a widow and her son during a famine (1 Kings 17-18). In spite of his bold actions and faith in God, he too, suffered from depression. When he heard that Jezebel was out to kill him, he became depressed, sat under a broom tree and prayed that he might die. Jeremiah is another one. Known as the weeping prophet, he was rejected by the people he cared for and tried to witness to.  God had forbid him to marry and have children, so he must have been especially lonely and depressed, which you can see when he said “cursed is the day I was born” and “why did I ever come out of the womb to see sorrow and shame?” (Jeremiah 20:14-18). Other examples are David, who many times wrote of his anguish, Jonah, who asked God to take away his life, and of course Job, who we all know of the horrible sufferings he endured.

But no one felt more alone and rejected than our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Isaiah 53:3 prophesied about Him saying “He is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised and we did not esteem Him”.  How awesome to know that our Lord and Savior can sympathize with us and feel our pain, our hurts, our sorrows. He knows what it feels like to be rejected, to feel different and out of place.  He knows everything I have felt. He knows that I am different, I am weird, and I am unique, but He loves me, insecurities and idiosyncrasies and all. I may suffer from time to time with feelings of rejection, depression or fear, but not like I used to. It no longer has power over me, because Jesus set me free.  Just like the men and women in the bible who turned to the Lord for comfort, protection and release from these feelings. And we have that same confidence.  I’m sure there are many of us who feel like they belong on that list I mentioned in the beginning. But that’s who Jesus came to save. Turn to Jesus, and He will bring you comfort and healing, and you will never feel rejected or alone again.

Transparency

As I continue to grow in my walk with the Lord, I am realizing that being transparent is vital for growth and maturity. It is also crucial for developing strong, close relationships with fellow believers.  What does being transparent mean? According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, it means: a) free from pretense or deceit (frank); b) easily detected or seen through (obvious); or c) readily understood.

I recently attended a women’s retreat where many women shared their stories of struggles, pains, and joys, and I felt more connected and blessed because of their openness.  I think being transparent helps us in many ways, and is helpful for both the person sharing and the person hearing.  Even though we may have never endured what the other person is going through, we have compassion for and an understanding of that person, and more importantly, this moves us to pray for that person.  Another reason is that we may see a little of ourselves in that person, and it helps us to realize that we are not the only one who has ever struggled with or experienced a particular issue.  This is especially true for me. At times, I have felt like no one could understand or relate to particular issues I have battled with, things that are very personal, and at times painful or shameful to discuss. It was when someone shared their deepest troubles, their past experiences, things that I could relate to, that I was able to open my heart and grow and let go of these feelings of shame or inadequacy that has kept me down for so long.

Early in my walk with the Lord, it was hard for me to feel connected to other believers. I felt like I didn’t have any one that I could relate to.  It seemed like people kept discussions at the surface level, and it appeared that they had their life together and were super Christians.   It seemed that everyone had been Christians all their lives, were married, happy, and being blessed financially. I was the total opposite: a new Christian wet behind the ears, a single parent struggling with depression, and broke.  As a result, I felt I was an inadequate Christian, and that I must be doing something wrong because my life wasn’t perfect. Looking back, part of the reason may have been because of the type of churches I was attending; prosperity was the focus.  I didn’t want that brand new BMW, I just wanted to be loved and accepted as I was, and to feel released from the burden of shame and guilt.  It wasn’t until I started attending churches where transparency was evident, and hearing personal testimonies from the pastors and people at church, that I began to feel connected.  I can’t explain it, but there is this sort of bonding that happens when people share their stories, unabashed and unashamed. We open our hearts and cry with them, or we silently cheer for them at what they have overcome with the help of Jesus, and we marvel at what the Lord can do with anyone and any circumstance. 

At the retreat I recently attended, many women shared their personal battles that they had endured or continue to struggle with.  Some things were very heartbreaking to hear and very painful for them to share. But it was because of their willingness to share with us, to be transparent, that all of the women were blessed.  I think it made us feel united in Christ and encouraged us to keep fighting the fight, whatever each of us may be personally be going through. I also believe that because of the environment of safety and love and encouragement that was present, it made it easier for the women to share.  And they bravely did so because they have been set free by the love of Jesus, where there is no condemnation, only restoration.   I know this has had a big impact on me. It has always been hard for me to open up to people for various reasons. It can be scary to share your personal struggles with others.  It feels risky. I often thought, “Will they judge me?” “Will they look at me differently?”  Of course we should use discernment and be discreet when it comes to being transparent, because not every environment may be safe to do so. I have been very blessed to find sisters where I can do so safely. I have realized that I have also found freedom when I have shared my experiences.  I am not sure why that is. Maybe it’s because I feel like burdens have been released.  The scriptures say that we are to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), so perhaps when we share with our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are no longer hanging onto our pains and sorrows, but are releasing them, and in turn being prayed for and encouraged by our Christian family.  It is like a weight has been lifted off our shoulders.  The problems may still be there, but we are not alone.

When we are transparent, others see what we have been through and see how faithful we are to the Lord in spite of how difficult life may be. They see how He has pulled us through whatever trial we’ve been through. They see how He has transformed us from the old person we used to be, to a new creation in Him. Being transparent encourages others and gives them hope that they too, can overcome or can endure.   One of the most important things I have learned from other’s testimonies and frankness is the forgiveness and grace of God.  When I heard women sharing stories similar to mine, and I saw how they have experienced the forgiveness of God, it gave me hope and peace that I also can be forgiven and set free from that bondage of guilt and shame.

There are many examples of transparency in the bible.  David and Paul are the first ones that comes to mind.  Paul often talked openly about his weakness, failures and past mistakes, and I have been encouraged time after time when I read his words.  How many times did David cry out to the Lord about his weaknesses, fears and failures? The Psalms of David are the most loved and most quoted scriptures in the bible because they are so encouraging; we have a real man, a powerful man, being real before God and real before people, faults and all. Above all though, we learn from King David that being transparent before the Lord is the most important thing.  Yes, God may already know what’s in our heart and every little detail about us (Psalm 139), but by openly crying out to Him our innermost pains, desires, sorrows, and joys, draws us closer to Him, and strengthens our relationship with Him. The more we open our hearts to him, the closer He gets to us, and our relationship continues to grow deeper and we experience freedom in knowing He forgives us and accepts us, no matter where we came from, or what we’ve done.