This week I was reminded of the power there is in obedience. A quote from one of my favorite pastors, Charles Stanley, has stayed with me over the years: “Obey God and leave all the consequences to Him.” I attended a ladies retreat last weekend, and my fire was reignited, my spirit renewed, and I was blessed over and over again by many “but God” moments. I stepped out in blind faith, obeying something the Lord told me to do, and oh how wonderfully and powerfully I was blessed!
Back In June, the Lord spoke to me and said: “Go to the
ladies retreat”. I knew it was from the Lord, because it just came out of
nowhere in a quiet moment, and I had not attended or thought about a ladies retreat in several
years. So I looked into it briefly, then
brushed off the idea and forgot about it. About two months later, God spoke to
me again, in a stronger voice, “Go to the retreat!” That jolted me a bit, and I
remembered the quote about obedience, so I diligently searched for the
information and registered. It was a
giant leap of faith, as I knew I would not know anyone who would be attending
nor whom I would be rooming with. Then I
rested and waited in peaceful anticipation of what the Lord had in store for
me.
True to form, whenever God is preparing something to work in
your life, the enemy tries to come in and steal your joy and peace and prevent
whatever good thing God is going to do from happening. So a little over 2 weeks
before the retreat date, I came down with the dreaded virus. And it hit me
hard; I was down for 2 weeks. All I kept
thinking was “Lord, please don’t let me miss this retreat!” But this time of
illness was actually a blessing, as it was preparing me and my heart for the
retreat. It made me cry out to the Lord in my misery, asking for strength and
healing. I kept remembering scriptures of when Jesus healed people, like the
lady who was made well by touching the hem of Jesus’ garment: “Your faith has
made you well….go in peace (Mark 5:25-34), or the leper who said “Lord, if You are
willing, You can make me clean” (Matthew 8:2-4). It made me appreciate and love my
husband even more; he was my nurse and attended to me constantly, and more
importantly, he prayed for me continuously.
Another unexpected blessing from this illness was that it broke my
dependence on coffee (caffeine), of which I have reaped many benefits that have improved
my health. I sleep better, waking up earlier and more refreshed now, giving me
more time to read the Word; my heart is no longer racing and working hard, my
blood pressure has dropped, and my legs and body don’t ache as much. All of this was preparing me to be ready for
the retreat and sit at His feet, opening my heart to be still, and stripping
any hindrance and ridding me of myself, allowing me to hear only from Him for 3
days. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love
God, to those who are called according to His purpose “– Romans 8:28.
The theme of the retreat was “Beautifully Broken”, and I
knew why I needed to be there. For
years, I have struggled with regrets over my past sins, mistakes, and
failures. I know that many things I have
done have affected my children, and I struggle with mother guilt, battling the
“I coulda, shoulda, woulda” in my mind. Sometimes it is pure torment, but a
beautiful sister there reminded me that it is the enemy telling me these things, and
don’t let him in my mind that way. As a mother, I may always struggle with
this, but a song I heard at the retreat said, “Our sins they are many, His
mercy is more.” When these thoughts creep in, I have to keep reminding myself
of God’s Word and promises for me. Yes, I did sinful things in my past, but the
blood of Jesus cleansed me and wiped the slate clean (Isaiah 43:25). I became a
new creation when I confessed my sins and accepted Jesus as Lord of my life (2
Corinthians 5:17). Hebrews 8:12 says “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness,
and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.” If God doesn’t
remember my sins anymore, why should I keep rehashing them? I am free from that
bondage. And this is why it is so important to read and study the Word of God, because
when these battles of the mind, the spiritual battles in the dark hours of
night when we are alone and feel beaten down, we can recall these scriptures that
are implanted in our hearts and shout them aloud, strengthening us and
reminding the enemy he has no place here!
Another “but God” moment for me was through Secret Sister/Prayer Partners. This was an optional activity, where you submit your name and prayer requests and someone draws your name and vice versa. You commit to praying for your “secret sister” at the conference and for the year, along with giving her 3 gifts during the retreat. The first night, when I opened my first gift, this note card was inside (mind you, I have never met, and still don’t know who my new “secret sister is, but God used this to speak to me):
This blessed me so much and spoke to me in a very powerful
way! Another thing I struggle with is my feeling of inadequacy and always
feeling like an oddball. I don’t have a
dynamic, vivacious personality. I was
always the last one picked for teams in school. I have always been quiet and a
loner, doing things by myself. In crowds or groups, I retreat to a quiet little
corner, watching all the life-of-the-party people do their thing. So I have
struggled to find my place in life. The
older I get, the more I have accepted that l am just “different”. When I read
this note, tears started to flow. I said to myself “Yes Lord, You did! You
created me and You get me! I will obey You, and You will do the rest!” So again, I took a leap of faith, and started
being open with sisters I met, seizing opportunities to speak blessings to
them. I was hesitant at first, since I had long ago put up a wall around me because
of past hurts and because I felt my past attempts at reaching out to others was not well received; I felt rejected. But
the Lord said to me “keep doing this, and if it isn’t received, shake off the dust,
and move on to the next one” (Matthew 10:14).
During the time of worship and prayer, I asked God to help
me be a better wife to my husband and a better helpmate to walk alongside of him
in his ministry, and to speak to me about how He wants to use me and my gifts,
whatever they are. During this time of waiting on the Lord to speak, this song
came on, which is now on my list of power songs: Canvas and Clay. It spoke to my
struggle with past mistakes, and how they aren’t wasted. It spoke to how
wonderfully I am made, and how He makes all things work together for my good
and His glory. As I was deep in prayer, I heard the very last words of the song
“He’s not finished with you yet”. I
looked up and said "Okay Lord, what is it?", and He told me to go back to writing.
In October 2020, I was diagnosed with Graves’ disease. In addition to the numerous physical
symptoms, there are cognitive ones: brain fog, memory loss, difficulty
concentrating, etc., all of which have been a battle for me and has put a damper on my
writing. There are studies that show that brain volume loss occurs in Graves’
disease, so as they say, the struggle is real. But listening to the many
wonderful ladies who spoke at the retreat about their many difficult struggles,
which are much worse than mine, and seeing how the Lord continues to use them,
the Lord showed me that He can still use me.
My body and mind might not be the same anymore, I am adjusting to this
new normal, but I see that I can still
be used by God, just in a slower, stiller and simpler way. So here I am,
writing once again.
One thing I noticed of all the ladies that spoke or I met, was
that in spite of all their pain, suffering, loss, difficulties, etc., they all
had the joy of the Lord. They all emanated this light and peace and love and
pure, unspeakable joy of the Lord. That
is what aging gracefully is. That is what obedience to the Lord is. It is
submitting to the Lord, no matter what circumstances befall you. It is having that peace that surpasses all understanding,
and trusting that the Lord will continue to sustain you and be there for you
and bless you as you navigate through life’s many challenges. It is being
receptive to what He is telling you to do, and following in faith, sight
unseen, to whatever it is the Lord is telling you or leading you to do. You will be abundantly and unbelievably
blessed. I found this out by my simple
act of obedience in heeding the Lord’s call to go to the retreat. I arrived not
knowing a single person, but I left having new sisters in Christ. I left with my soul and spirit renewed,
realizing God is not finished with me and He can, will and still use me, no matter what I’ve done in the
past, or how much of an oddball I feel like I am. I left knowing that He has equipped me with certain
gifts, has uniquely made me, with my quirky personality, scars, flaws and all, to
bless certain people. He accepts who I am and I can sit still and be who He
made me to be.
He’s not finished with me. And He’s not finished with you.
Blessed are those who hear the
word of God and obey. – Luke 11:28
