I hit a milestone this year: I turned 50. As the day grew closer, I found myself
anticipating the big one with some trepidation.
Growing up, my grandma would frequently refer to the “change of life” as
the worst time in a women’s life, and she painted a bleak picture of menopause
and growing older with scary scenarios of things like women’s uteruses falling
out, horrible hot flashes, and emotional breakdowns. Yeah, fun times that I was
not looking forward to. I put a lot of
what she said out of my mind until I turned 40, and those fears started creeping
up again. I was in college at that time, and those persistent fears led me to
choose women and mid-life crisis as a topic for my research project. I thought it would help me to understand and cope with the psychological and physical
changes that were around the corner. The
things I learned from my research eased my fears, as I learned that a lot of it
has to do with attitude and perspective. So that knowledge reassured me
throughout my 40’s. But then I turned
50.
I tend to think and overthink things. That is my
introvert and OCD mind. I think the hardest thing for me was realizing how
short life really is. Life expectancy
can be 70 or 80, and I realized that I only have 20 or 30 years left, God willing. When I look backwards 20 years, those memories
seem like they only occurred a short time ago. The reality that “life is only a
vapor” (James 4:14) hit me hard. I see that
more and more people I used to know from different circles are passing
away. Some younger, some older, and the
realization that tomorrow is not promised to anyone makes me appreciate each
day on earth more. Another difficult thing for me was looking back and wishing
I could rectify some of the mistake I made. The phrase “youth is wasted on the
young” takes on new meaning for me. While I catch myself being dragged down with
regret, the Lord reminds me that “all things work together for good to those
who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). I
know God knows that I am but dust (Psalm 103:14), and I am not the same person
I was back then. He has given me wisdom,
and He will use that wisdom for His glory.
I also take comfort that God restores the years the locust have eaten
(Joel 2:25). He has preserved my life. There
have been many time that I look back and wonder how did I survive some of the
crazy, dunderheaded, dangerous choices I made? God had His hand on my life and
protected me for a long time, even before I knew Him! He has provided for me abundantly, and gave
me the desire of my heart, my wonderful husband, when I was 45. Who says God
doesn’t restore and work miracles? And since I have
seen firsthand what God has already done in my life, I trust that He will resolve
the things in my life that I am still waiting on, things that seem impossible to me,
but to Him all things are
possible (Matthew 19:26). I trust that He will continue to restore those years,
fixing damage that was done by my poor choices and ignorance.
With this new decade, I am learning that a lot of
stuff doesn’t matter, and I need to live more simply and fully, and because I have
Jesus, that means more abundantly. I find that I appreciate God’s natural
beauty more. I would rather be outdoors with my husband, experiencing nature
and wildlife, than wasting it on artificial, meaningless things. Time doesn’t stand still for anyone, and
every minute is valuable. I stopped sweating the small stuff. I stopped
stressing about my appearances and caring what others might think (Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.”-
Ecclesiastes. 1:2). I don’t feel the need to be
perfect anymore, worrying about matching my shoes to my outfits, concealing my
tummy bulge, or worrying what people think if they knew I shop at thrift
stores. I march to the beat of my own drum, and feel okay that I still dress like
I’m in the 1970’s and 1980’s. And I started to embrace my gray hair. I decided to stop coloring it about a year
ago, for several reasons (time, money, health), and it has been
liberating. I like how the Contemporary English Version
bible refers to gray hair: "Young people take pride in their strength, but the gray hairs of wisdom are even more beautiful." (Proverbs 20:29). If this isn’t a comforting
scripture for growing old, I don’t know what is. There are many such scriptures
in the bible that show God values older women and gray hair, and His opinion is
all that matters.
Turning 50 also made me see that I have to “let go and
let God” more, and live that truth each day.
It’s hard sometimes, and I have to be reminded of that daily. Whatever problem comes up, I tell God to take
over, then have I peace for the day. But in the morning, I take up whatever the
worry of the day is, and I start the cycle all over again. But God is faithful.
And patient. I am so thankful for His patience with me. It seems that turning
50 gave me some gumption, because I made the momentous decision of packing up
and leaving California, the state I was born and raised in. It was not easy, but with a lot of prayer,
support of Godly friends, and God opening the door to my new job, we made the
move. I had to really trust God with
this decision, even when it seemed so scary, and especially when I encountered
some resistance from people. I had to forge ahead and trust that God was
leading the way. I had to trust my husband as leader and submit to him. I am terrible when it comes to making
decisions. Being OCD, I tend to ruminate over things until my brain is ready to
explode. So when I asked God for
guidance so I wouldn’t make the wrong decision, I had to give up everything that
was of me, and let Him lead the way. And He opened doors that my human mind
could not comprehend. From giving me the
job that came out of nowhere, to leading us to an apartment that we could
afford and was surrounded by His beauty, I could fully see His hand at work.
But thank goodness for His patience, because the enemy started whispering
doubts in my ear not long after we got settled in, and I started having second thoughts,
a sort of buyer’s remorse for movers. Getting caught up in missing my family and friends
and old co-workers, being overwhelmed by the newness of my job and the unfamiliarity
of my new surroundings; all this started weighing on me, and I had to rely on
the Lord for strength. One day, one of my
new co-workers asked me how I was doing. She told me that she was impressed
with my courage to make such a big decision, and I thought to myself, “I think I’m
more nuts than guts to do this”. But I
thought about it later. God has
sustained me during this transition.
When I have moments of fear, loneliness or doubt, He is there, giving me
strength. And loving me and caring for me and being patient with me when I go
from praising Him for blessing me with my new job and apartment, to questioning
Him if this was the right decision.
This year was a year of milestones. Turning 50. Leaving a company after 10 years.
Leaving my family. Moving to another state. Starting a brand new job. But God
is faithful. I am reminded of Sarah in the bible (Genesis 12-18). She had to pick up and leave with her husband
Abraham to an unknown land when God told them to. Abraham was 75 and Sarah was
65 when they made this momentous journey; she was 15 years older than I am! She too experienced doubt when God told her she would have a child when she was in her 90’s, but God
proved faithful. And even when doubt and impatience caused her to make an
unwise decision by sending Hagar to bring forth the child God promised to Sarah, He still blessed her with the promised heir, and she is included as an example
of faith in Hebrews 11:11. I am so blessed that God put these examples in
the bible. He gave us His Word to encourage us, strengthen us, and show us His
faithfulness. There is nothing new under
the sun, and I take comfort that I can turn to Him for guidance as I continue
on my journey, waiting and relying on Him as He continues to guide my steps and remind me of others who have been through the same thing I am experiencing. There are many more milestones that I will
encounter, and God will continue to be there for me every step of the way.
"Even to your old age, I am He, And even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you." - Isaiah 46:4