The process of aging is something that has been feared for eons, and has only intensified by the fear, dread and fixation that social media and society has continuously placed on it. Recently I was shocked to learn that a twenty-something co-worker regularly gets Botox. Her reason: she wanted to prevent aging and looking old. As a 56-year-old woman, my first thought was: “Girl, you got a long way to go and a lot to learn”. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I too am afraid of aging. As I am grappling and coming to terms with my own aging body, I wonder why we are so afraid of aging. It’s no secret that women are discarded when they reach a certain age. I have asked my husband a few times if he is afraid of aging and losing his looks and he shrugged it off nonchalantly, and replied “that’s life. It’s inevitable” It doesn’t appear to bother men like it does women. So why do we as women fear aging? Why do we hide behind filters, stock up on anti-aging creams, get nicked, tucked, and injected and fervently fight a battle we will never win this side of heaven? Why can’t we just be ok with our aging bodies and the aging process and just age gracefully? And what does aging gracefully actually look like?
I have struggled
with self-esteem most of my life.
Growing up, I was constantly told by schoolmates and bullies that I was
ugly. My first boyfriend would criticize
my looks and tell me I was unattractive.
Then suddenly, when I was in my late twenties, the opposite occurred and
I began receiving a lot of favorable attention.
I never felt comfortable with it because I didn’t believe that I was
attractive, but I continuously tried harder and harder to maintain the image, with
more makeup, provocative clothing, the whole works. It was an endless, vicious
and unfulfilling cycle; the more attention I received, the more I had to
perpetuate the image that I was attractive, alluring, and desirable. I clung to the belief that it was my looks
and desirability that made me valuable as a person and what gave me worth. So
it makes sense why I would succumb to the fear of growing old; the thing that I
thought made me valuable as a person, as a woman, was slipping away, and there
was nothing I could do to stop it. So how would I find my worth now? The
attention that I had received in my youth was superficial, it was all vanity,
as King Solomon said, elusive and fleeting. The literal meaning of vanity in
the bible is vapor or breath. Isn’t that what youth and beauty is? It’s here
one moment, then like a vapor, it is gone.
When I found the
Lord, my views started to shift. I didn’t feel the need to dress provocatively for
attention anymore. I mellowed out some.
Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted to look good, but I tried to do it
tastefully and in a non-revealing way.
Then I met my husband. And he loved me for who I am and accepted me,
flaws, defects and all, and I didn’t feel that I had to try so hard anymore to
present this image of perfection and beauty. Being a Godly man, my husband’s first
priority is pleasing the Lord and seeking to be Christ centered and focused.
Then everything else falls into place. He
sees me through the eyes of Jesus; he sees me how Jesus sees me. The most
attractive thing to my husband is my heart for Jesus. So I feel safe and
protected and valued by my husband, because I know he loves me for who I am on
the inside, and he accepts the outside for what it is: a tent that is only
temporary and will fade overtime.
But I am human,
and I do still struggle with the changes that are occurring in my body and my
fading youth. The last few years have
been a doozy. I had a hysterectomy, then
I struggled with an autoimmune thyroid disease that led to my thyroid being removed
last year. And this year I lost my beloved father. Between the stress of losing
my father, managing health issues, balancing new and ever changing medications,
the effects have taken a toll on my body. I feel and look like I have aged
drastically. I have put on weight that I can’t get off. I’ve lost even more
hair. I have tried to fight these
changes with exercise, pills, dieting, creams, serums, etc., but I am fighting
a losing battle. The natural progression of things is a deteriorating and
fading body, and no amount of effort on my part will stop it. All this has been an eye-opener for me and has
led me to do some self-reflection on what is really important. Aging gracefully is not about what we look
like on the outside, it is about what is going on inside, in the heart and the
mind. In other words, aging gracefully is not an outward transition, but an
inward transformation.
As I navigate this
path of aging gracefully, I like to look to great examples of women I would
like to emulate who epitomize the art of aging gracefully. One of my favorite
role models is my former pastor’s wife.
She is the epitome of what aging gracefully looks like. She recently turned 77, and she beams with a
shining radiant light that is fully and totally the joy of the Lord. She has suffered great loss in her life; she
lost one of her sons several years ago and she lost her husband, our beloved
pastor, a few year ago. On top of that, she’s had numerous health problems and
surgeries. But every time I see her or
hear her voice, she is so joyous and loving and kind and uplifting and
encouraging and patient and warm. She
has endured so much, but she wants to genuinely hear how YOU are doing. She give you her undivided attention,
listening intently to all that you are saying, never interrupting or cutting
you off. She gives Godly and encouraging
wisdom and advice. She will recall things I’ve told her months and years prior
and will ask me about them. I am amazed and comforted by how she remembers my piddling
details, but it is a testament to how much she genuinely cares about people. When
she speaks about her losses and pain, she does so by always giving God the
glory for all that He’s done, seeing God and His goodness in each situation. She speaks of hope and faith and love. After speaking with her, you leave feeling
the weight of the world lifted, and your hope in the Lord renewed. She does this for every person she encounters.
That is what I call aging gracefully.
Another wonderful
example was my beloved mother-in-law, who is now with the Lord. When someone would come to her with good
news, the first words out of her mouth were “Praise the Lord!” When problems
would arise, the first thing she would do is pray. She went through so many trials and pain in her life,
and yet nothing seemed to shake her or her faith. She relied on and trusted in the Lord for
everything. Whatever situation I came to her with, she would always tell me to
give it to the Lord. It was by her
faithful prayers that the Lord kept His hands on my husband during his wayward
years, and her prayers are what brought him back to the Lord. When she was
diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, she clung to her faith in the Lord and she
knew that He was with her every step of the way. Though she did not want to die and leave her
family and loved ones and she fought as long as she could, she knew that
ultimately she would be with the Lord. She continued to pray for others and
read the bible faithfully every day. When she passed away, so many people
shared how much she impacted their lives by her faithful, continuous prayers
and service to others. Even now, when I
wish I could call her about a problem, I imagine what her words to me would be.
She left a very powerful legacy that continues to impact others. She aged gracefully, and suffered the effects
of cancer faithfully and gracefully to the end.
So what does aging
gracefully really look like? It’s handling adversity with patience and seeking
the Lord first for direction and strength. It’s handling loss and grief by
crying out to the Lord for comfort and trusting Him to walk with us through it.
It is being gracious and kind and understanding to others, and to ourselves for
our past mistakes. I am always mindful that the world is always watching me,
which is why I try to be careful of what I post on social media. I cannot praise the Lord in one post, then
berate a public figure our use derogatory language in another. I want my legacy
to be a positive one, where I can uplift others, so I try to focus on positive
things. I have gained a lot of experience, and hopefully wisdom, in this thing
called life. The wisdom and
understanding from these lived experiences can be used to help others who are
now dealing with their own life experiences.
Aging gracefully is holding someone’s hand through rough times, or
calling them or sending them a card letting them know you care and are praying
for them.
I am finding that
aging gracefully is a process. Frivolous
things that used to matter to me, no longer do.
I try not to be high maintenance, living a simpler life. I’m old
fashioned and mostly only watch movies from the 1930s-1950’s. I don’t care what
people think of me because I wear thrift store clothes, don’t cover my greys,
my clothes don’t match and I seem weird. I am now finding that the truly important
things are things that I used to take for granted, things such as time with
family , making memories with loved ones, staying in the present and not
looking back with regret or ahead with worry and trepidation, and storing my
treasures where they really matter: in heaven.
I am learning not to be ruffled by the guy who takes my parking spot, or
the checker who is curt. I don’t know where they are mentally and emotionally
or what they are going through, just like people didn’t know what I was going
through when I behaved that way. Aging gracefully is about giving more grace to
people, being forgiving and overlooking things that do not matter in the big
scheme of things. Aging gracefully is
not about acquiring more things, it is about enjoying the beauty that God has
placed in my life, free for the taking, and being open to seeing it. I am more
impressed with a fantastic sunrise or sunset than I am about the latest and
greatest gadget. I would rather be still and know God, enjoying His creations and
beauty, than be striving to get ahead in the world.
Truth be told, the
older I get, the closer I need to be to Jesus.
With age comes a lot of sadness and disappointment and regret. If we are blessed enough to grow old, we will
see a lot of loved ones pass away and leave us. We will be left with regrets of
should’ve, could’ve and would’ve. Aging gracefully
means we mature and acknowledge the inevitable and take steps now to avoid
those regrets. It means stepping out of our comfort zone and making time out of
our busy schedules to call someone and tell them you’ve been thinking about
them, asking if you can pray for them. It is giving a stranger a welcoming
smile and showing the love of Jesus to them. People will remember how you made
them feel, and that will be a lasting legacy. While I have been hit with the realization that
I have more years behind me than I do ahead of me, with the Lord, the best years are ahead of me and
not behind me. Walking with the Lord, relying on Him to supply my every need,
hear every cry, and comfort me through all my trials and pains, is what will
sustain me the rest of my days. The more of Jesus I have, the less of me there
is, so there is no need to fear growing old. I may be growing old on the
outside, but inside I am being renewed by His grace and presence in my life
each day. Jesus is the way to age gracefully.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man
is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.” - 2 Corinthians
4:16
“Even to your old age, I am He, And even to gray hairs I
will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will
deliver you.” - Isaiah 46:4
“Do not cast me off in the time of old age; Do not forsake
me when my strength fails.” - Psalm 71:9
“Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, do not
forsake me, Until I declare Your strength to this generation, Your power to
everyone who is to come.” - Psalm 71:18
“My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my
heart and my portion forever.” - Psalm 73:26
“So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of
wisdom.” - Psalm 90:12
“They shall still bear fruit in old age; They shall be fresh
and flourishing.” - Psalm 92:14
“The older women likewise, that they be reverent in
behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things.” -
Titus 2:3
